We all do things to avoid others’ Anger, but we may be quick to anger ourselves. And even though we dread another’s Anger, we continue to use our Anger to control other people.
Anger Can Come From Two Different Places
Anger comes from the adult self, a logical place, and this Anger can also be called outrage. Outrage is a feeling we have when confronted with injustice. Outrage spurs us on to take appropriate action when harm is being done to ourselves, others, or the planet. Outrage is positive emotion; it moves us into taking steps – to stop crime and violence, clean up the environment, etc. Outrage comes from within, a place of integrity, caring, and compassion.
Anger can come from a scared adolescent place within – this is from a wounded part of our self that fears being wrong, rejected, abandoned, or controlled by others, and it feels like an intense frustration. This part of us fears, embarrassment, humiliation, disrespect, and helplessness over others and outcomes it is the iceberg of Anger. When these fearful feelings are triggered, this adolescent part does not want to feel helpless at no matter what the consequences, and often results in attacks or blaming Anger for controlling a person or a situation. Blaming Anger is always coming from something else. Not taking responsibility for our feelings and needs is never good. Instead of taking care of ourselves, we blame others for our emotions to intimidate them into changing so that we will feel safe again.
Anger can come from a fearful adolescent place inside
Blaming Anger Causes Relationship Problems
Blaming Anger can create so many problems within relationships. None of us likes to be blamed for another’s feelings period and defiantly not intimidated into taking responsibility for another’s wounded self. Blaming Anger may result in generating blaming Anger coming back too or resistance in the other person, which creates never-ending power struggles.
Or, the person at the end of blaming Anger may submit this is called care, taking it another form of gaining control, thinking its more comfortable to do what they want to stop the Anger, but this causes consequences in relationships. The calm person may learn to dislike and fear the angry person, and resentment manifests as they find ways to resist passively or entirely disengage from the relationship.
Blaming Anger creates so many relationship problems. None likes to be blamed for another’s feelings period
When blaming Anger comes up, it is unhealthy to dump it on another in an attempt to control them, but also to suppress it.
The healthy alternative is to learn from it and grow from it. The healthy, loving action to take when someone dumps Anger on you is to disengage lovingly.
Our Anger at another person or situation is a chance to learn and grow and fully take responsibility for our feelings and needs.
If this sort of Anger continues in a relationship, it manifests as abuse.